If there is one thing we learn from an early age, it is to filter information. I am starting to see this show up in the life of my four-year-old son. I have to give him credit; he is very honest. If I ask a direct question, I will get a direct answer. Yet, there is this ever growing understanding in his life that certain information garners positive reinforcement. When we tell people what they want to hear we are usually met with smiles, pleasant interactions, and even rewards.
At some level, we all tell people what they want to hear. Sometimes this is a good thing. My wife knows how to speak the encouragement that I want, even need at times, and it does positive things in our relationship. I do my best to reciprocate. But often, telling people what they want to hear is a great detriment to people and even the kingdom of Christ.
Much has been said in recent years about the prosperity gospel. One wonders, how does someone like Joel Osteen, stand in front of tens of thousands of people every Sunday and speak things that fly in the face of the teachings of Christ? It has to be one of two options. It could be that he has never read the Bible. I see this as unlikely. He has to have some working knowledge of scripture, even if it is seriously skewed or cherry picked. The other option is that he has succumbed to telling people what they want to hear. I believe this is his predominant problem.
It has become glaringly apparent from being a minister and psychotherapist (that is the same thing as a counselor, but psychotherapist sounds much hipper, don’t you think?) that people want you to tell them what they want to hear, and I am no exception at times. Yet, I find this incredibly frustrating. It is what makes my job a challenge. It is what presses me to try and find creative ways to cause people to examine themselves honestly. It is also what makes me want to kick myself at times. Because sometimes, I catch myself not telling people the full truth. Why? Because it is often difficult to do for a myriad of reasons.
There is a fine line between giving people too much honesty without grace and love (legalism) and too much grace and love without truth (enabling). Give people too much truth too soon and you run them off. Withhold the truth they need to hear and they stay stuck in self-defeating, harmful, even sinful behaviors.
I have noticed in myself the need to be more truthful with people. A couple of examples come to mind. It hasn’t been long ago that I was talking to an individual that was having serious family problems. We discussed the need to have his family in church. He responded with, “Well, Sundays are our only day to spend together as a family.” I should have responded with, “What better way to spend the day together than bringing your family to church? Besides, I see you all the time on Sunday and you are not with your family.” Instead, I responded neutrally. Why? Because it is very easy to tell people what they want to hear or to simply avoid telling them the truth, especially on a personal level.
There was also a recent conversation I had where someone excitedly told me about the person they were dating. They then proceeded to let me know that the other person did not value much of what they held sacred. How should I have responded? I should not have endorsed the behavior or remained neutral. I should have pointed out the incongruity between what they really want in a partner and what they are settling for.
As people, we have this amazing capacity to mentally filter out things that go against what we want. We allow ourselves to look at situations in a way that confirms what we want to believe or that affords us to chase after what makes us feel good or brings us immediate gratification. The problem is, this often leads to long-term pain, regrets and burdens
So what is the solution? To be honest with people even if it is uncomfortable. In fact, honesty is often uncomfortable, but so is watching people making harmful decisions. I once had a seasoned counselor tell me, “Sometimes, you just have to make people mad. They may stop seeing you in counseling, but eventually they will process what you told them and you will see some growth.” It is hard to do.
It is hard to make people mad. Our own need for approval and to be liked is a large part of this. Yet, sometimes, we have to be brutally honest in the most loving way possible. Jesus did. He made people mad all the time. He makes me mad sometimes. The truth is a bitter pill to swallow. Being like Jesus then, means saying things that are difficult and uncomfortable. Being a Christ follower means making people mad at times, but doing it in the most loving way possible and within a loving relationship that genuinely cares about others.
Walk good. Live Wise. Be Blessed.
Josh
